July 4, 2014 · 4:33 pm

Healing from the inside out

When I was in high school, my friends’ dad had his appendix removed. I was working at the hospital at the time so I stopped by his room. I asked him how he was doing and how he was feeling, the typical hospital conversation. We have all been in that situation in the hospital where the person is in their bed in that gown with the slit up the back. We try to maintain eye contact and not look anywhere else. So, I continue the small talk. I asked about the surgery. He says look at this and raises the gown to reveal the surgery site. There it was. The operation site was still open and you could see the cut flesh. I looked. I panicked. Looked away, but I couldn’t help myself and looked again. Now admittedly it was a couple of decades ago (or so) but I remember seeing the surgery site wasn’t stitched. It was mostly open. He told me that since the wound, surgery site, hole, access point to the appendix…whatever you call it was deep they had to let it heal from the inside out. I had heard that puncture wounds were a bit tricky because the surface would have access to the air and heal a bit faster, but the depth of the wound would not have that ability. Hence, puncture wounds are trickier. But, as I remember, the appendix site was a little more than a puncture.

Time and healing
How does that quote go? Time heals all wounds. It is probably more of a cliché at this point but there must be some validity to this. Maybe time heals all because it just starts to fade away and we seem to turn the metaphorical corner. The wound doesn’t heal at all; it is just hiding around the bend or over that ridge. Maybe more stuff happens or we have a new shiny object to turn our attention. The optimist would say, “tomorrow is a new day” or “today is the first day of the rest of your life.” While both of those are true, it doesn’t necessarily mean that anything healed. The pessimist might say, “Oh what next,” “with my luck,” “things always happen in threes.” In short, wounds happen.

We have been, and will be, the recipient of some hurtful things. Some by accident, some through misunderstanding, some through politics, timing…oh the list could go on. Ignoring these and just relying on that time adage could result in unfinished business. Similar to that puncture wound that seems to heal at the surface but the underlying problem is still there. The process of living, interacting with others, and taking risks in life will create success and things we could have probably done better.

We may be the instigator of some wounds for others, unintentional things of course (well hopefully they are unintentional). Actually, I take that back. In anger, or a fit of misjudgment, we might have intended some wounds to occur. How we recover and fix our malfeasances is probably related to Karma…Buddha-ly speaking of course. Not attending to those well-aimed wounds inflicted on others is a completely different category of unfinished business. Karma – Party of ONE your table is now ready.

I found a quote by Rose Kennedy, “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” That scar tissue in life manifests as hate, unaccountability, apathy, avoidance, becoming jaded, and cynicism (again the list is endless).

Inside out
The wounds to our ego are like that appendix wound. We have to heal these from the inside out. Over the last 1.5 weeks, I have been with many different groups of people. I work on the national tournament staff for a big sporting association. Many days of working long hours, under stressful conditions, new procedures, and little sleep creates interpersonal struggles. People get edgy. Nothing some distance (oh, and probably some time) won’t fix. I moved on to a conference. I had the opportunity to see a longtime colleague. I was nervous to tell her some things that have recently happened within my career. I took the plunge, took a deep breath and told her about my situation. She was the most gracious, understanding, comforting friend I could ask for. She said all the right things. And, why wouldn’t she be that person at that time…in my interactions with her she has always been supportive and helpful. What got in my way? My ego. My unfinished business of things I have not let heal from the inside out. The many layers of scar tissue that I have let seal over things in my past altered my perception. In my mind the story was debilitating rather than merely a situation I could/can deal with.

All of these thoughts of appendix surgeries, unfinished business and healing from the inside out came from the final stop on my trip. I was chatting with my cousin about some things that she was dealing with. I told her the conference story. She is the brilliant one that connected some of my unfinished business (that I really thought I HAD dealt with) and how recent things are all part of the healing process. It was more like reconstructive surgery for my psyche and my ego. Sure, wounds hurt. Let them. Sit with them. See if you can notice the lesson, the pattern, the connections, and our ability to heal from the inside out.

Leadership is what we do with people. Unfortunately, in that process, we may have some wounds happen. Some to us. Some by us. Some are even self-inflicted. What can we learn? How can we take our innate ability to heal from the inside out? How can we help those we love, like, trust, and work with to see their ability to heal from the inside out? And yep, sometimes it does take some time.

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June 20, 2014 · 7:04 pm

Too much or too little – who knows?

A waiter walks up to your table with a tray loaded with beverages. You watch as she labors under the tray resting on her shoulder and upward palm. She whips the tray around and distributes the glasses in a way that doesn’t disrupt the balance of order. Someone at the table is eager and sees his drink on the tray. He removes it. One helpful bloke tries to assist and starts taking the closest glass to pass to someone. However, this disrupts the balance and the tray tips…drinks spill, glasses break. Someone jumps out of the way. This metaphorical tray and glasses are filled with doses of challenge and support. Hmmmmm, what does challenge and support taste like? What kind of beverages might those be?

This concept of challenge and support is a popular theory among those of us who study and use college student development theories. This professor, Dr. Nevitt Sanford, wrote a book in 1967 about Why Colleges Fail, in which he outlines his precept of challenge and support. He offered that challenge provides an opportunity to stretch and grow. The student tries to reduce the tension and restore balance. Good challenge is helpful and creates a will to accomplish, even through a bit of discomfort. The rewards of that “a ha” moment of understanding is the payoff. However, too much challenge may set the bar artificially high and make it impossible. This could be overwhelming and the person opts to quit. Support has similar conditions to consider. No support, or too little support, risks sending a message of a lack of respect and or little concern. Too much support means we have just done it for them, and could stifle creativity (or challenge). Being afraid to challenge is like stealing the opportunity to overcome an obstacle and learn. We steal the victory. Therefore, using a challenge and support framework relies on timing, magnitude, and application. Interesting note here, we interviewed a group of students and they brought up making mistakes and the adviser/teacher/leader should let them fail on occasion. “How else will we learn?” They asked with poignant clarity.

Now serving
That tray with drinks is balanced with precision that is somehow understood by the waiter holding the tray. If we deliver challenge or support at the wrong time, or to the wrong person, it could have ramifications for those involved. We have to quickly weigh the benefits of the use and how much (or how little) we deliver based on experience, relationships, and timing. What is also at play are the nonverbal and emotional content that accompany every single interaction with another person. What seems to be trivial comments, unrealized sighs, or unintentional nonverbal moments could be misinterpreted and hinder mutual transformation. We might not even realize those little shot glasses were even on the tray to begin with. These talents contribute to our ability to provide leadership when it is our time to step into the foreground.

While this challenge and support theory is presented as a student development thing it also has leadership implications. Management is what we do TO things, situations, and things. It is managing to get the right tray to the right table. Leadership is what we do WITH people. What we deliver is important, but HOW and WHEN we deliver our tray of refreshment is so very important.

Ready and Wait
It seems as if the only one participating in the delivery of challenge and/or support is the teacher or leader. There is a bit of a power differential at play here. The responsibility for thinking about how to use challenge and support is more leader dependent than recipient. However, this timing concept could be more a mutual thing. We have heard that “when the student is ready, the teacher appears.” Interesting note, I found that the Buddha did not say this. A woman in 1875 (Helena Blavansky) combined some eastern and western religious works and wrote versions of this saying proverb. But I digress (again), Sanford presented this idea of readiness and said that the student needs to be ready for the situation as well. We could get a little existential about readiness for lessons or teaching. Let’s just know that any time is not always a perfect time.   This brings us to what I think is also an important part of challenge and support — WAIT. No, not the wait staff….just, wait! We need to wait to see if our glass of challenge/support worked. We need to wait to see if it was appreciated. We need to wait to see if the person will acknowledge our part in their development. That could take 5 minutes….and we could wait forever. We can’t control that part. Really, at this point it isn’t about us. It is about the student.

Numerator or denominator
The reciprocal of challenge and support is probably…well support and challenge. Those students, followers, mutual leaders in the group will be teaching us things as well. It is ok to be the student who is ready when your teacher appears. This leadership thing has something to do with having the ability to accept the mutual experience of learning together. Our process as a leader is a constant experience of practice. Support comes from those we work with – which may be too much or too little. And the same is true with how others challenge us. Accept both as times to learn and grow. Don’t discount personal challenge and support either – we do tend to be our harshest critic. What have you challenged yourself to do or learn? How do you support your mental health and celebrate your wins? Avoid being that irrational number or the improper fraction – for others, from others, for yourself.

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June 14, 2014 · 5:00 am

Death cards & stoplights

ChangeStoplight Games of Chance
I grew up in Nevada. Gaming was all around me – casinos, supermarkets, airports, convenience stores, many would think this is gambling (which it really is, I am not pretending it isn’t). But, a teaching point here – In Nevada it is referred to as gaming. (This portends a level playing field and sports like doesn’t it? See previous post on Perception is Everything, case in point here.) For now, let’s stick with gambling which is wagering money/stakes on games of chance. We also gamble if we take a chance with something in life. Writing this without saving my work along the way is gambling that the computer may freeze, or something could happen that I lose all of this good stuff. It has happened. I obsessively include keystrokes to save my work as I type along, <control-S>ing as we speak. Think about poker, there are many different ways to play, amounts we can bet, strategies to win. We learn to have a poker face. We play our cards close to the vest to protect our hand. I think the great philosopher had it right when he reminds us –

You’ve got to know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you’re sittin’ at the table
There’ll be time enough for countin’
When the dealin’s done

Every gambler knows
That the secret to survivin’
Is knowin’ what to throw away
And knowin’ what to keep
‘Cause every hand’s a winner
And every hand’s a loser…
Thank you Kenny Rogers.

Winner/Loser
It’s true that every hand is a winner and/or a loser. There is simultaneity in these games of chance, whether they are poker or the game of life. We all have decisions to make at every turn of the hour, day, month, year, career and beyond. How we play these games is probably related to how we make decisions and approach our work with others. There are times to stay in the game and other times we move to another table and try our luck again. Every gambler knows…right?

I played poker with the tarot and four people died. Actually, that is a line from the monotone comic Steven Wright. I love his deadpan delivery. Of course, dry humor IS the highest form of comedy. Now speaking of dead I was recently thinking about the meaning of the death card in the tarot deck. Yep, I was just sitting there standing there one day and something made me think of this card and its interpretation.

Death card the big change
I was thinking about this card and what it means within a reading. I did not know there are stories associated with each of the cards. This death card is about CHANGE, EXPOSURE, TERMINATION, INEVITABILITY, and TRANSITION. Death provides a metaphor for transition. Whoa, that could be the understatement of the year, eh? Many groups and religions explain death and see it as someone making their transition somehow whether to heaven or somehow changing form and being. I love how Nichiren Buddhism explains death as a part of life, rather an extension of life itself. This concept of the self continues after our death. Think about loved ones who have transitioned and how you talk about them. We tell stories. We carry their legacy. The legacy of who they were, and what they did. The essence of their self continues forever. This forever makes it pretty important to BE while we’re alive.

If you look into dictionary about the symbolism of dreams the meaning of death, have very similar change or transition meanings. Some counseling theories/therapies make use of asking what one is dreaming about. Carl Jung discusses the meaning and uses of dreams within his writings.

Inevitable
The ONE thing that we can count on is change. I am not claiming that phrase as my own, but I couldn’t find anyone to credit. Whether we are moving from one grade to another, getting to graduation day, weddings, or closing out the budget year we are in a constant cycle of change and closure. While we are growing up we are transitioning (remember puberty? holy change batman).

CHANGE, EXPOSURE, TERMINATION, INEVITABILITY, and TRANSITION
Relationships, friendships, vacations, living spaces, jobs …Lions, tigers and bears….things end. Things change. Things die. Careers shift and things change at work and we find ourselves in transition. Some of the time we control and cause the transition and in some cases, the circumstances force our hand to move to the next chapter. In either situation, we can look at the change as a curse or a victory. The final death card is indeed pretty final. But the intermediary death cards, these are transition points and times to refocus.

Dr. Nikki Giovanni is a poet and professor. She was at Virginia Tech when the campus shooting occurred there (2007). I first noticed her work during that news coverage. Recently, I found her quote, “A lot of people resist transition and therefore never allow themselves to enjoy who they are. Embrace the change, no matter what it is; once you do, you can learn about the new world you’re in and take advantage of it.” Read it again and emphasize the E-words: Enjoy and Embrace.

Bridges’ Model
Dr. William Bridges, Change Consultant, has a transition model. Its simplicity is beautiful: Ending, Neutral Zone, New Beginning. You have to end something, go through some time of uncertainty, then begin something new. Think of a standard stoplight at the intersection – red, yellow, green.

RED – Stop. Things end. There has to be an ending. If we don’t have some termination then things are unclear, it is uncomfortable, we have unfinished business. It is like rolling through the stop sign, we know we shouldn’t and sometimes it works. BUT at some point “breaking the law” will catch up with you. Ticket.

Yellow– This is the neutral zone of what do we do now? There are no set rules. We need to get our wits about us. New normal has to be established and this time-period can be tough. When the light turns yellow there’s quick glance at the intersection, glace to the mirrors and that split second decision weighing the odds of stopping or the gun-it gamble flashes through our minds.

Green – Enthusiasm. Why didn’t I do this sooner thoughts. There is more hope than fear. We can now move on and head toward the next intersection with some confidence. We have established a new beginning. Pass Go. Collect $200.

There is life after death (um, maybe that is another blog post all together)…metaphorically speaking of course. Transitions, change, and movement are the ingredients of an exciting and adventurous process and life. We love the changes and the transitions that happen. Letting go of the control of some of these is within all of our ability. How we handle the transitions and changes is probably more of an indicator of leadership than many other things. What was your last intersection? How long did the light stay yellow? How bright was the green light in the end?

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June 5, 2014 · 4:26 pm

New Pants and Negative Self-Talk

Buying new clothes can be fun for some and a chore for others. Some see shopping as a form of torture they just want to finish as soon as possible. Others use retail therapy to make a tough situation easier or perhaps there is an endorphin rush and a ‘hit’ on the credit card makes it all feel better. I think I could put myself into any one of these categories at different times. I have gone shopping out of boredom or the calling of some sale item or advertisement. I get there and it just isn’t there. Sometimes I seem to be on a new stuff runner.

Recently I went shopping for upcoming weddings and events for my students. I wanted new pants and a tie, perhaps a shirt. I got the pants and the tie, ok…I got two of each, but at different times so it wasn’t frivolous. Or so, I told myself. Fast forward, day of, as I was walking to the train noticed that I could not stop looking at the pants and thinking how much I liked them. Then my ties got some comments at the event and the wedding. That felt good. I started to think about when and why we get something new for special occasions.

There are special times that seem to call for new clothes. In the fall to back-to-school, we have all experienced that ritual that started in kindergarten. It was special. Then ceremonies like prom’s, weddings, special life events, Uncle Tommy’s wedding, etc. We need something to wear to other people’s wedding, not sure why really, we just do. Graduation just seems to call for something new. Maybe these markers are a form of “rebirth” and/or a clean start. We want to present ourselves to the world in a new, fresh, this fits better way. We feel good. We look good. And we remember from Fernando Llamas, “You look mahvelous, absolutely mahveleous”… and when you look good, you feel good (Billy Crystal, SNL, 1985). He tells us that it doesn’t matter how you feel, but it does matter how we look. Ah, so he’s the culprit!

I have two shopping stories that come to mind. The first, a girl friend asked me to go shopping for a swim suit. The second, my 16 year old nephew needed tennis shoes. I did not know what I was in for, in either situation. The friend perused, lamented, grimaced, smiled, wondered, and wandered through numerous suits. She took a few to the dressing room. I waited. She reappeared with nothing. Back to the racks she went. I said (oh so naively), “Well you didn’t let me see any of them.” I thought that was my role. NOPE. She looked at me in horror, and laughed. “Oh no, that is not going to happen.” I am still not sure of my role that day. I think she bought one, I think I saw it later. But I am not really sure.

Tennis shoes. White Tennis shoes. Easy enough eh? NOPE. We went to 15 stores. He would walk in glance at the wall and turn around. “There’s nothing here.” We left. It took a week. I made a comment to his mom about the week-long trek. She said, “Why do you think I was so quick to accept your offer to take him?” At one point I asked him, “What kind of shoes are we looking for?”
“White.”
I picked up 5 different pair…like this, this, this, this or those? “Nope.” Each one was too this or not enough that. We bought a pair at store #15, that happened to also be store #3 or 4 earlier in the week.

We buy clothes as a statement about who we are. Our clothes have to fit just right, hide just right and look like us. My high school niece and I went shopping. We were buying clothes. I tried on some pants (I really like pants, can you tell?). I asked her how they looked. “Fine,” she said. I said (because I wanted to know and I was also trying to shock her), “Do they make my butt look cute?” It worked! She turned red, looked around, laughed and said, “yeah, sure.” I don’t think I bought the pants.

How do we treat ourselves? How do we treat our real selves? Our inner self, that only we truly know. We can be our own harshest critic (I remind you of my friend hiding in the changing room trying on swim suits in private). Her reaction is a theme for all of us. Buying new clothes helps us to feel good and showcase who we are. We want to look Mahvelous.

Grand Opening, Coming soon to a Mall near you

What if there was a store called Confidence R Me? Or Strengthmart? If we could somehow bottle and sell a little shot of confidence (that doesn’t give you hangover, and go away the next day) we could be rich. But our own closets, fears, hopes, and anxiety gets in the way.

STOP IT!

I have a personal mission. I try to interrupt the negative self-talk that is rampant among so many of us (me included). Those times when we are quick to say –
I am so stupid
I am such an idiot
With my luck
Of course that will never happen for/to me
etc, etc etc, <INSERT>your favorite little confidence killer here.

Dr. Brene Brown researches, writes, and speaks on vulnerability. I love that she says vulnerability is truly about strength, and confidence. When we are vulnerable, we take a risk. I think secretly others (me included) and have a little sense of jealousy when someone else takes a risk we wish we could. I love how Brown frames some of those fears. One tactic is that she admits (out loud) about her own inner monologue, “The story I am creating in my mind says….” Brilliant. Risky. Honest. She admits it is in her own mind.

Mary Morrissey, transformational coach and Dreambuilder extraordinaire, reframes the “I’m an idiot” waste of time type comments with something better. Try this one on for size, “Up until now I used to think/act/behave…” This acknowledges that we can have some not-so-lucid moments, or a hiccup in brilliance and allow something not perfect to happen. GASP! But that was then. This is now. Next. I fall down. I get up again. Dust myself off. Look around. Laugh. And move on.

Fashion Boutique

The next time you try on some new clothes and think. “I look good!” Smile. Mean it. And wear it. Know that most of the others that have on new clothes are probably too busy worrying if they look good (and hidden) to be noticing anyhow. Go with it! We all have the ability to walk that catwalk with confidence. Work it and walk out to the end of it for YOU. Walk back to the curtain for them. Cause your boots are made for walking, that’s all.

Leaders Take Notes

I am talkin’ to you… notice how much you give to others when you recognize what they are wearing. Step it up, pay it forward and next time notice WHO they are (their inner fashion if you will) and TELL them a little about the accessory of their ability, their strengths, their passion, and what they BRING to you and your organization.

If you need to revist SNL 1985, laugh, and see that we were all young once…

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Aside

Choice instantly becomes part of you

Let’s go for a walk to the beach. Upon arrival, we find a sea of gold coins. YOU WON. You are free to dip into the sea and take some. Magically a container appears to hold what you will take from the sea. How big is your container? Here is another opportunity to ponder. You won the lottery, a drawing, and a cash prize, something of that sort. When you open the envelope, what’s the amount of the check? What have you won?

I have no idea of the size of your container at the seashore, nor the amount of the check you won. I would assume that most of us would bring a bucket, perhaps a 5-gallon paint bucket. The sum on your check I would guess is also some moderate amount. Perhaps it covers your mortgage, your overall debt, or your car balance. A simple question is – Why the self-imposed limits?

Others might think we are greedy if our container is too big, or if we have multiple containers. And too much money on that check may inflame a similar feeling. What do you really need to be comfortable? If it’s too much – whatever that means – we are being greedy. Some may not feel like we deserve it. I mean, come on, duh…greed is one of the seven deadly sins, right? We have committed a sin (if you believe in sin) if we take too much of our self-imposed winnings. I am guessing here, but I believe the sin is about excess or materialism. But who says you will use this money frivolously? Who says you wouldn’t share the wealth and make the world a better place if you won.

‘Tis better to give than receive?

If you could give someone a gift, is it more than what you won? If these scenarios didn’t carry the connotation of money – for some reason that feels evil – how much of it would you take or give? You WON. My point here — why do we create limits on our ability? When can we create and make this fortune?

A riddle

What is, but quickly isn’t?
What will be instantly turns to what was?
What’s in the future then happens, and poof it’s past?

What is your first guess? Put your first guess in the comments. I am just curious.

Before writing this riddle, I couldn’t find much on this next topic. A demonstration of how slippery this concept is. The answer to the riddle is “now”. What is now? Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now, centers on living in the present. In counseling, we teach the importance bringing the story or situation into the “here and now.” We live in the present – the now. Maybe it isn’t a question of what, rather it is a question of when? I found a quote by blogger/author, Jarod Kintz, “I put the ‘now’ in knowledge. Well I will, probably tomorrow or tomorrow’s tomorrow.” This is good. Knowledge is about the NOW. The realization of the learning’ happens after the fact. It is likely that we don’t realize it until NOW becomes THEN. At times, we even procrastinate our learning, or the realization of our learning until tomorrow or beyond.

There is a concept of flow (theory of optimal experience) developed by Dr. Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi. This flow is about the human experience of joy, creativity, or the process of total involvement in life. It is described in his book (Flow); I relate this flow to being in the NOW. In this state, we are so involved that nothing else seems to matter. We lose track of time. The exhilaration of NOW, consumes us. All of this is related to another favorite word, Phenomenology. Just saying it is fun, right?

(Side note: When you say it fast it seems like you should have a chorus of Muppets singing backup – da do dah dude a loo, da dude da dude da due due DO! Maybe it’s just me.)

Phenomenology is the study of experience or consciousness. Isn’t this really what we mean by this precious concept of Now? No matter if now is this second or this week. This is a passion for living and being alive NOW.

When now becomes then doesn’t it seem to create wisdom? Either from a “wow, that was a lesson I won’t forget!” to “Whoa, let’s do that again!” We have the ability to win what we set our mind to, in the moment we decide to do it. Next…

To thine OWN self be true

Finally, what is own? We own things. Some of these things are material and some are innate abilities and talents. What we really own, is really our own. Whoa…deep LOL. When we die, our legacy is what we own. It carries our short time here into infinity.

It relates to the self, the individual and how we take control of our own lives. Shakespeare writes, “To thine own self be true.” In the play, a father is pleading with his son to live his dream with a sense of values. We each own our strengths, our gifts, and our approach to the world. From Emergenetics we understand that we approach the world through thinking and behavioral preferences (nature and nurture) that are truly our own. We bring our initial set, from chaos theory, into every situation. This initial set is who we are (experience and baggage) when we show up. Our ability to contribute and to live our own passions is all of our own doing and being. It is also important that we own up to who we are and how we present ourselves. This is credibility and consistency.

Won, Now, Own

Notice anything? The same three simple letters make up every word, an anagram. Now, this isn’t quantum physics, magic, nor is it even coincidence. But I do submit this – Everything we do was first a thought and then an action. We have the ability to dream and create what we win. We own the ability to create our sense of now that influences where, or how, we will go. Cause and effect are in motion. In leadership and working with people, owning a vision that is communicated now creates an attitude for accomplishment. So after the fact we can say we won (I had to work it to get the right tense in there).

There once were three words that came from one.
The three letter shuffle it’s all anagram fun.
Context and meaning discern,
Connect one to another we learn.
Related we see are now, own, and won.

 

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May 29, 2014 · 4:28 pm
May 20, 2014 · 4:28 pm

rejection < RESILIENCE — The REal opportunity to REvise & REcreate

When is a balloon really a balloon? You buy a package of balloons and you have a little bag of lifeless colorful containers. What you really have is a bag of potential. These plastic, rubber, or Mylar envelopes are just waiting to become something; they’re balloons in waiting.

That balloon will get big and round or perhaps it is a longer tubular shape. You cannot really tell until you put some air in them, quite a bit of air actually. The air on the inside keeps stretching the colorful skins into big beautiful balloons. If it pops it makes a loud sound and explosion. So we can tell there is a lot of air (or helium) inside exerting quite a bit of pressure.

A balloon isn’t really a balloon, until it is tested. Those balloons you get with your singing telegram or for your birthday are probably expendable. Move to a reusable balloon now. Have you ever gone ballooning, taken a ride in a hot air balloon, or been to the balloon races (Head to Reno in early September)? The balloon is constantly tested, and retested over an over again.

REtested
The concept of RE is an important idea to chat about for a minute. But, I want to start at the opposite end of RE first.

In life and leadership, we need to understand and think about RESILIENCE. Resilience is generally a topic we go to after some sort of Rejection, Refusal, Rebuff, Refutation, Revoke, or repeal. Not so much fun eh? Just reading these words can probably cut deep and we can instantly think of a time (probably more like a whole bunch of times) that this happened to us.

REvising, RElearning, REbuilding, REfocusing, REflecting, REset, REplay

We need to REFRAME any rejection that happens to us. When do we learn? I didn’t ask how do we learn (that was the last blog post). WHEN do we learn? When does learning happen? There is no NEW learning; there is RElearning (there is that RE- word again).

We learn when we make mistakes. We learn when we fall down. Yeah, yeah we learn at other times too. BUT when do we remember the lesson? I am guessing that after a little sting, the learning is more of apparent, or it has a little more import. This is why video games have a REset button. This is why we have instant REplay. It is why we have REwind on the TiVo and DVR. It’s the do over of life.

REsilience, REjoice, REcreate, REbuild, REmodel, REstore, REmake

Just like that balloon we are resilient. We can bounce back and we can rebuild and rejoice while we are taking what we learned from that situation or experience. I am not the first one to say this (I think I first read it in Steven Covey’s 7 Habits book over twenty years ago). Failure isn’t fatal & People don’t fail they quit. I sold life insurance for a number of years. The chance for “rejection” occurred a few times in that sales/service process.

I have studied leadership and identity for a number of years now. Resilience is part of this building of our leadership ability and capacity. I found a book entitled, Rejection (1982) by John White. In the book he tells stories and reports on people who were rejected a time (or lots of times). He has the typical stories about Henry Ford, Thomas Edison, and others that have been told and REtold repeatedly. I love his THREE THINGS ABOUT REJECTION –
1. Rejection is not the same as failure.
2. It is 2-way – while we are facing rejection, we are also doing some rejecting.
3. Rejection is necessary. Lack of it would be disastrous.

Read #3 again – REJECTION IS NECESSARY. What?! Why is that? How could that be? When we are rejected, we REvise and REsubmit. Rejection re-energizes us to win and to create victory. It helps us to see things in a different light. Think about that guy or girl you may have been rejected by…chances are 50/50 that rejection can be seen as, “whoa, I dodged a bullet on that one.” Without REverse on the gearshift, we would still be sitting in the same parking space.

There is a great song that says it best – Tubthumping by Chumbawumba – I actually thought the song was called, I get knocked down.

I get knocked down
But I get up again
You’re never going to keep me down

In another verse, it goes on….
He sings the songs that remind him Of the good times
He sings the songs that remind him Of the better times

Don’t cry for me
Next door neighbor

I get knocked down
But I get up again

You’re never going to keep me down
We’ll be singing When we’re winning We’ll be singing

When was your last bout of REsilience?

Notice the question…it wasn’t directed at the rejection (where I would submit a lot of us tend to focus the energy). When was the last time you got knocked down? When was the last time you got up again?

How big can you inflate the balloon that encompasses your capacity? When were you last stretched and tested? You might get knocked down…but ya gotta get up again, and again, and again. We have to get up one more time than we feel knocked down.

2 quotes – The first I have heard over and over. The second, I think I am going to have this one tattooed… or maybe just printed and framed next to my front door.

“That which doesn’t kill me will make me stronger.” -Nietzsche

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -Joseph Campbell

Tubthumping — do you need to be reminded of it?

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May 15, 2014 · 4:13 pm

Learning through experience – It follows a cycle

Have you ever bought anything or, maybe a better question is, have you ever tried to build anything you bought from IKEA? You see the object of your desire in the store on football field level 3. You grab the box or two from bin 12L. Open it and find a cartoon series, a baggie full of different shaped screws, plastic gizmos, and some brackety things. What does IKEA mean anyhow? Maybe it is an acronym for I Kan Everything Assemble (loosely translated, it’s Swedish remember). 

How do you attack this project? (A). Lay it all out and count the screws and such. (B). Read the cartoon thoroughly. (C). Recruit someone to help you or walk you through it. (D). Just start slapping things together based on the picture or the floor model? In some cases, you probably got it right on the second or third attempt, or the repurchase. Oddly enough, this little vignette could explain how we think (and/or behave) from the Emergenetics blog. It also gives us some idea about learning and our learning styles.

How do we learn stuff? What is learning all about? Another topic I get a little excited (ok, just plain excited) about is Experiential Learning. When I am designing a course, a class, or a workshop I go to the work of David Kolb. He was trying to figure out how to help his students learn and he developed this learning cycle that explains our learning styles. It is really cool stuff.  It is based on 2 axes. Vertical is a continuum between Concrete Experience (top) and Abstract Conceptualization (bottom). The horizontal is Reflective Observation (right) and Active Experimentation (left). I put an image in here to help the visual learners.    

Image

 

Batter up!

Think about a baseball diamond, four bases right? Hey, hey… coincidently there’s four points in our cycle. Kolb says we touch all of the bases (points) in the experience of learning. Learning is really an experiential activity. We run around the diamond. One little catch (pun wasn’t intended but it really works here) is the learning cycle starts at 2nd base runs to 1st then home then 3rd. Easy right? See how flexible and abstract you are here? You visualized a ball diamond (concrete). The alternate running path takes a little observation of a different perspective (reflection). You analyze this to intellectually conjure it up (abstract). You could run around to make it work, or just physically draw it out (experimentation).

POOF. Experiential learning. You experience something, you reflect on your observation, you connect concepts in the abstract, and then you do it. Time out; go back to the IKEA example. You doubt this works, it can’t be that easy, thinking is complex and brainy. Cool fact #2, a biologist, James Zull (he’s a biologist), wrote a book and connected brainy stuff and function to Kolb.  

There are different styles of learning

Different people have different entry points into our four bases. There are four learning styles (actually Kolb as increased these to nine…but that throws my baseball game into too many innings, stick with me here). The four are:

DIVERGING – combo of experiencing and reflecting, diverging from conventional solutions.

ASSIMILATING – combo of reflection and abstract, you probably focus less on people and more on abstract and theories.

CONVERGING – combo of abstract and doing. You are a gatherer of information and like to solve problems.

ACCOMODATING – combo of doing and the concrete. You have an ability to adapt the information or changing circumstances into action. You probably like to work with others to make this happen too. 

News Flash:  There isn’t a whole lot of NEW learnin’ goin on out there

WHAT?!  “No way,” you say. Well let’s think about this. Learning is really your interpretation of what you are “newly” learning with something you already know/knew?  We’re really just revising our learning, broadening our understanding based on the new context we now have. Maybe we just have new vocabulary words for it now.

No, for reals. There are people who have studied learning and talk about all of this and they say the same thing. They even have a few $5 words for all this learning, revising, and expanding too. Check out some of those academic journals to check me here.

Leadership?

This all connects back to our ability and to leadership. Our ability to learn is based on this brain stuff. Learning is about change. When we learn we change. This change connects those neurons and creates additional neural pathways when we need to search that big hard drive between our ears. Our raw ability is about our natural ways of taking in information. We also know that we can teach and train people to be leaders. The experience of being a leader is experiential. We learn more about being a leader while working, serving, and practicing leadership. This supports the notion that the decisions made by the learner are based on the lived events as well as future choices. The primary purpose of all this is to provide information about one’s preferred approach to learning.

Leadership is about working WITH others. When we understand all this stuff about learning and there is more than one way to learn and get something done. When we understand that there is more than one way to touch all of the bases, we can see that a diversity of learning styles might add to our group or team. It is similar to the WE Teams from Emergenetics.

What is your learning style? Who thinks/learns differently than you do? Interesting fact #3, how we learn is typically how we teach. If we have a style, a natural extension of that would be, “of course this is how we (i.e., everybody) learn.” Not so much. So, relax when you aren’t getting it, or your student isn’t getting it. Maybe you change up (ok that pun was intended) how you are helping them learn…. use a different approach to meet their strengths. Now that’s leadership ability.

Maybe an Einstein quote would fit here – “Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” 

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May 9, 2014 · 3:55 am

Brains: A users manual

I just realized that I have been writing this blog for a few months and I have not yet written much about brains, learning, thinking, and behaving. WHOA! If you know me, or you have been in a class with me you know I talk about this stuff all of the time. I need to say something about the 3-pound (or so) cranial powerhouse we are all packing around up there. Oh sure, the things I have been writing about could be associated with brain power, mind, and how we make up our mind, set our intention and realize our ability. But today I thought a little about how brain based thinking, behaving and learning sounded like fun. Oh…that was one semi-geeky comment.

I associated with the work of Doctors Geil Browning and Wendell Williams about ten years ago; the profile and company is Emergenetics International. I love their tag line: Moving Thinking Forward. I liked it so much that I became a certified associate and have presented it to classes and groups and I’ve included the work in my presentations, research and writing. So, a little intro is appropriate here.

What’s this word – Emergenetics – you ask?

The word itself (Emergenetics) comprises the words emerge (i.e., life experience or nurture) and genetics (i.e., nature) to help explain how each person uses preferences based on thinking and behavioral preferences. An Emergenetics© profile provides a tool that will help you understand thinking and behavioral preferences based on the latest brain research.

So it really fits in with my theme of raw ability and the talents and strengths we each bring to an activity, a situation, a team, a group, a leadership responsibility, a….well…really everything. It is part of the total package we walk in with EVERYTIME we show up.

The metaphor we use in Emergenetics divides up the brain into four quadrants of the thinking attributes with an outline of our behavioral preferences. The behaviors are metaphorically encircling the thinking because one would notice our presenting styles through behaviors first, and then the thinking would follow as we engage in dialogue/interaction. The four thinking attributes (Analytical, Structural, Social, and Conceptual) and the three behavioral attributes (Expressiveness, Assertiveness, and Flexibility) combine patterns that can explain our diversity. Each of us has a beautiful brain regardless of the profile or picture of your brain. The beauty lies within the combination of how our strengths emerge from our genetics. More information can be found it the book Emergenetics: New Science of Success (2006). AND, just keep reading this blog….you can bet I will write more about this stuff.

Our approach to the world is the cumulative effect of our past, in the context of the present, as we prepare for the future. The leader’s identity process could become engaged before the person even realizes it is happening, “your brain changes with each movement, thought, experience or conversation you have” (Browning, 2006, p. 17). Our brain is engaged in the identity process and creating the leader within. Warren Bennis has written about this idea by stating that leaders are the products of their entire lives. He suggests that a leader is someone who takes in all his or her experiences and creates (and continually recreates) a new self.

ME + WE =

Wait, there’s more! Since we’ve established a team has multiple ME (you can’t really make me plural, hmmm imagine that). So there is a mixture of individuals, each with their own brain, which creates synergy and energy. This ME + WE = Energy, Synergy, and Esprit. I just found out that Esprit is defined as lively intelligence…I like it. In Emergenetics language we call this combination of people (i.e., brains) a WE Team. WE of course is the combo of members and it also means Whole Emergenetics Team. It is also possible to coordinate groups or teams (from a larger group) into a whole team that combines thinking and behavioral preferences so we have a balance of each of the seven preferences represented “at the table”.

It’s electric!

Our brain functions through the connections and synapses of a couple 100 billion neurons lighting up some scientific machinery. I read one place we have 100 billion neurons and then another source said that was a myth, we only have 86 billion. What’s a few billion neurons among friends? The point is…there is a whole lot of electricity moving around within us and between us. This alacrity (within each) building on the energy and esprit (lively intelligence) of ability is how we can create great things together.

How do you think about things? Are you more of a “let me think about it and get back to you” person or a “let me ask around and see what others think” type of person? Are you the grand entrance type of person or more of the slip in and sit down sort? What roles do you play in a team? Chances are…the role you play in one group is probably pretty much your persona. Yeah?

To find out more about this Emergenetics Profile for you or your organization: 

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April 29, 2014 · 9:11 pm

Turn MAY into the month of CAN. Know you can. Kick the can. MAYke it a month of I CAN

Remember being a little kid and asking your parent’s something like, “Can I go to the store?” The retort was probably something like, “I don’t know CAN you?” The moral of that story was the all-too-familiar lesson in manners and asking the right question. So, you probably corrected it to be more appropriate for the request. “May I go to the store?” Lesson learned. Your request might have been more about asking permission? Lesson #304 (give or take) was about who is in charge and who grants permission.

But, maybe you really did mean CAN. This Can Concept is about ability. Can is about having the ability to accomplish something. This is our raw ability or our natural talents and skills. We all have a natural ability for something. We might not understand what it is, or maybe it takes us a while to discover our ability because we’re too busy asking if we MAY do something rather than exploring what we CAN do.

Let’s kick the CAN around a bit.  CAN = to able to, having an ability, power, skill, know how, have the means to, have permission

The Gallup organization has created a huge industry around what we CAN do. They call it Strengthsquest. If you haven’t checked out their work you might be interested in seeing what your top FIVE strengths are. Reading their material you will see that

Strength= Naturally occurring patters of thought, feeling, behaviors (Talent) + ability to perform (Skills) + Facts, lessons, Experience (Knowledge)

But knowing our strengths doesn’t do much for us if we are still stuck on this concept of MAY I over CAN I? What is the CAN I piece?

 

This psychologist, Dr. Albert Bandura, has studied and written about some pretty cool things. He talks about social learning theory and some thinking/cognitive theory stuff. But for now let’s explore SELF-EFFICACY.

 

I love the words SELF-EFFICACY. For one reason, it is just plain fun to say. Another reason, in my little mind, is just saying it makes you sound smart. Then if you can use it in a sentence…WHOA.

 

Efficacy. It’s a $5 word for effectiveness or the quality of being successful or producing what you meant to produce. Throw the word SELF in front of it and it seems a little redundant. But your lawn mower can be effective and do its job too, so maybe self really does help as a descriptor.

So SELF-efficacy can be interpreted to mean that I really CAN go to the store. I have the ABILITY to go to the store. I can do this whether you give me permission or not.

I am ABLE.  Done! Boom! Pow!

Self-efficacy is one’s perception about his/her own ability to perform at a certain level or the ability to influence events. This perception is so powerful that self-efficacy has been shown to be a solid predictor of accomplishments based on previous attainments or knowledge. It has been said that the best predictor or future performance is past performance. Imagine that we do it and therefore we realize we can do it…again. BUT, how do we understand that we can do it to begin with?

Here is the cool part – Dr. Bandura studied this and started a whole bunch of people studying it too. He found out that self-efficacy is based on about FOUR things.

Mastery Experience – The fact that you know yourself and what you can accomplish; this is your ability or abilities. Another cool part here is that if you have done something LIKE the anticipated event/activity you can say, “Since I did that…. I can do this!”

Vicarious Experience – We are all surrounded by others doing things. Sometimes we base our ability on a comparison with others. So we think, “Well if he/she can do it, then no sweat I can do It.” or “We have similar abilities, I got this.”

Social Persuasion – having our own set of cheerleaders, mentors, and friends helps to get the encouragement from others to make something happen.

Emotional Arousal – this might get a little tricky for some of us, if we are in an I CAN mood and/or happy, then emotionally we are probably ready to try. If our pity party is in full swing, then maybe not so much. We have to push through and know that we can try. We might have to try again, but TRY it. It is like that other parental game, “you just have to take one bite to see if you really do like it or not. Just try it.”

I think I can… I think I can…I think I can… Remember the book, The Little Engine That Could. Know that our self-efficacy is based on a recipe of about four things. Four things that are mostly in your control.

Take a bite. What will you try today? You have a whole month to practice giving yourself permission (May, 2014) to see that you Can. Stretch your self-efficacy to the LIMITS.

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April 24, 2014 · 5:14 am

Take a bow!

I love the curtain call of play, or really a theater show of any kind. That final culminating event sends a chill down my spine every time. No. It does more than that; I am moved to tears during the curtain call. I have to catch my breath. I cry and gasp a bit for air. It is an odd feeling. I can’t explain it. I don’t even have to know anyone in the show personally.

I can feel the energy and exhilaration from the cast. Their faces penetrate the atmosphere of the theatre. Their collective WE DID IT. WE DID IT AGAIN. I LOVE DOING THIS. Seems to fill the space and touch me deep within that social part of my brain that loves to see people doing what they love.

When someone is doing something out of love and passion, they exude self-confidence. Multiply that times the number of people in the cast and I think we have found the source. That hard work, choreography, synergy, and mutual support add a positive charge to the whole environment. I felt the same way when I was a camp director with my staff. I feel the same way every time I see my students do a presentation or accomplish something good. I love to see the mutual benefits of working together. I get a deep sense of personal pride from the fact that I helped a little in their pride and sense of accomplishment. These have become dynamic positions for me (and markers for my own life) because I get to train, support, and counsel people through a significant growth periods in their lives. I like that connection.

I just read the acknowledgement section of my most recent doctoral student. I cried. She said nice things about me as chair. That was nice to read. BUT it is so much more than that. She acknowledged her community of support and those people who believed in her. I cry every time I re-read the acknowledgements and thanks in my dissertation. All of this hits home for me and reminds me that even in those times we are alone we have “people” that provide support in some way.

I like to think that I approach my job and life’s challenges with an attitude of opportunity and experimentation. Nothing ventured is nothing gained. Learning to be less of a linear thinker and discover how to incorporate a mistake sometimes adds to a project. Being more flexible and open to new possibilities is one of my biggest life lessons. When we work with people, we should realize that from time to time control is almost impossible. All we can control for sure is how we react. If we decide to see what is possible and how we can contribute, it is almost impossible give up. My favorite word is Alacrity. It means: cheerful readiness. Let’s use it in a sentence: We jumped into the project with alacrity. We might add to the group process if we jumped into a project with alacrity an open mind and flexibility.  And, who controls this approach – each one of us.

Permission, now there is a word. Who gives it and when do “they” give it? Who are they? Let’s turn THEY into ME. I can give myself permission. The initial sense of permission has to come from within. We each give ourselves permission to be, do, act, or react to everything. Some days we are comfortable with our own sense of permission, and some days we are not.

If you have been reading some of my posts, you know I like to play with words. Here we go again. Mission. What is your mission? What is it you want to be when you grow up? What is your legacy, your personal mission statement? What do you want people to say about you in the end…or after the end when we aren’t here to hear. Now for the word – Per – it means: for each, for every, by means of, through, by, according to, OR accordance with.

PER – MISSION

What moves you through (i.e., per) life to create your sense of accomplishment? What moves you to tears when you are so damn proud of yourself for doing, being, creating? How do you approach your mission with alacrity?  How do you add to the play/production/project with alacrity? Give yourself permission to live PER your MISSION. Be what you want to be. Go forth and show the world how you approach your mission with alacrity.

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