Tag Archives: ability

June 5, 2014 · 4:26 pm

New Pants and Negative Self-Talk

Buying new clothes can be fun for some and a chore for others. Some see shopping as a form of torture they just want to finish as soon as possible. Others use retail therapy to make a tough situation easier or perhaps there is an endorphin rush and a ‘hit’ on the credit card makes it all feel better. I think I could put myself into any one of these categories at different times. I have gone shopping out of boredom or the calling of some sale item or advertisement. I get there and it just isn’t there. Sometimes I seem to be on a new stuff runner.

Recently I went shopping for upcoming weddings and events for my students. I wanted new pants and a tie, perhaps a shirt. I got the pants and the tie, ok…I got two of each, but at different times so it wasn’t frivolous. Or so, I told myself. Fast forward, day of, as I was walking to the train noticed that I could not stop looking at the pants and thinking how much I liked them. Then my ties got some comments at the event and the wedding. That felt good. I started to think about when and why we get something new for special occasions.

There are special times that seem to call for new clothes. In the fall to back-to-school, we have all experienced that ritual that started in kindergarten. It was special. Then ceremonies like prom’s, weddings, special life events, Uncle Tommy’s wedding, etc. We need something to wear to other people’s wedding, not sure why really, we just do. Graduation just seems to call for something new. Maybe these markers are a form of “rebirth” and/or a clean start. We want to present ourselves to the world in a new, fresh, this fits better way. We feel good. We look good. And we remember from Fernando Llamas, “You look mahvelous, absolutely mahveleous”… and when you look good, you feel good (Billy Crystal, SNL, 1985). He tells us that it doesn’t matter how you feel, but it does matter how we look. Ah, so he’s the culprit!

I have two shopping stories that come to mind. The first, a girl friend asked me to go shopping for a swim suit. The second, my 16 year old nephew needed tennis shoes. I did not know what I was in for, in either situation. The friend perused, lamented, grimaced, smiled, wondered, and wandered through numerous suits. She took a few to the dressing room. I waited. She reappeared with nothing. Back to the racks she went. I said (oh so naively), “Well you didn’t let me see any of them.” I thought that was my role. NOPE. She looked at me in horror, and laughed. “Oh no, that is not going to happen.” I am still not sure of my role that day. I think she bought one, I think I saw it later. But I am not really sure.

Tennis shoes. White Tennis shoes. Easy enough eh? NOPE. We went to 15 stores. He would walk in glance at the wall and turn around. “There’s nothing here.” We left. It took a week. I made a comment to his mom about the week-long trek. She said, “Why do you think I was so quick to accept your offer to take him?” At one point I asked him, “What kind of shoes are we looking for?”
“White.”
I picked up 5 different pair…like this, this, this, this or those? “Nope.” Each one was too this or not enough that. We bought a pair at store #15, that happened to also be store #3 or 4 earlier in the week.

We buy clothes as a statement about who we are. Our clothes have to fit just right, hide just right and look like us. My high school niece and I went shopping. We were buying clothes. I tried on some pants (I really like pants, can you tell?). I asked her how they looked. “Fine,” she said. I said (because I wanted to know and I was also trying to shock her), “Do they make my butt look cute?” It worked! She turned red, looked around, laughed and said, “yeah, sure.” I don’t think I bought the pants.

How do we treat ourselves? How do we treat our real selves? Our inner self, that only we truly know. We can be our own harshest critic (I remind you of my friend hiding in the changing room trying on swim suits in private). Her reaction is a theme for all of us. Buying new clothes helps us to feel good and showcase who we are. We want to look Mahvelous.

Grand Opening, Coming soon to a Mall near you

What if there was a store called Confidence R Me? Or Strengthmart? If we could somehow bottle and sell a little shot of confidence (that doesn’t give you hangover, and go away the next day) we could be rich. But our own closets, fears, hopes, and anxiety gets in the way.

STOP IT!

I have a personal mission. I try to interrupt the negative self-talk that is rampant among so many of us (me included). Those times when we are quick to say –
I am so stupid
I am such an idiot
With my luck
Of course that will never happen for/to me
etc, etc etc, <INSERT>your favorite little confidence killer here.

Dr. Brene Brown researches, writes, and speaks on vulnerability. I love that she says vulnerability is truly about strength, and confidence. When we are vulnerable, we take a risk. I think secretly others (me included) and have a little sense of jealousy when someone else takes a risk we wish we could. I love how Brown frames some of those fears. One tactic is that she admits (out loud) about her own inner monologue, “The story I am creating in my mind says….” Brilliant. Risky. Honest. She admits it is in her own mind.

Mary Morrissey, transformational coach and Dreambuilder extraordinaire, reframes the “I’m an idiot” waste of time type comments with something better. Try this one on for size, “Up until now I used to think/act/behave…” This acknowledges that we can have some not-so-lucid moments, or a hiccup in brilliance and allow something not perfect to happen. GASP! But that was then. This is now. Next. I fall down. I get up again. Dust myself off. Look around. Laugh. And move on.

Fashion Boutique

The next time you try on some new clothes and think. “I look good!” Smile. Mean it. And wear it. Know that most of the others that have on new clothes are probably too busy worrying if they look good (and hidden) to be noticing anyhow. Go with it! We all have the ability to walk that catwalk with confidence. Work it and walk out to the end of it for YOU. Walk back to the curtain for them. Cause your boots are made for walking, that’s all.

Leaders Take Notes

I am talkin’ to you… notice how much you give to others when you recognize what they are wearing. Step it up, pay it forward and next time notice WHO they are (their inner fashion if you will) and TELL them a little about the accessory of their ability, their strengths, their passion, and what they BRING to you and your organization.

If you need to revist SNL 1985, laugh, and see that we were all young once…

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Aside

Choice instantly becomes part of you

Let’s go for a walk to the beach. Upon arrival, we find a sea of gold coins. YOU WON. You are free to dip into the sea and take some. Magically a container appears to hold what you will take from the sea. How big is your container? Here is another opportunity to ponder. You won the lottery, a drawing, and a cash prize, something of that sort. When you open the envelope, what’s the amount of the check? What have you won?

I have no idea of the size of your container at the seashore, nor the amount of the check you won. I would assume that most of us would bring a bucket, perhaps a 5-gallon paint bucket. The sum on your check I would guess is also some moderate amount. Perhaps it covers your mortgage, your overall debt, or your car balance. A simple question is – Why the self-imposed limits?

Others might think we are greedy if our container is too big, or if we have multiple containers. And too much money on that check may inflame a similar feeling. What do you really need to be comfortable? If it’s too much – whatever that means – we are being greedy. Some may not feel like we deserve it. I mean, come on, duh…greed is one of the seven deadly sins, right? We have committed a sin (if you believe in sin) if we take too much of our self-imposed winnings. I am guessing here, but I believe the sin is about excess or materialism. But who says you will use this money frivolously? Who says you wouldn’t share the wealth and make the world a better place if you won.

‘Tis better to give than receive?

If you could give someone a gift, is it more than what you won? If these scenarios didn’t carry the connotation of money – for some reason that feels evil – how much of it would you take or give? You WON. My point here — why do we create limits on our ability? When can we create and make this fortune?

A riddle

What is, but quickly isn’t?
What will be instantly turns to what was?
What’s in the future then happens, and poof it’s past?

What is your first guess? Put your first guess in the comments. I am just curious.

Before writing this riddle, I couldn’t find much on this next topic. A demonstration of how slippery this concept is. The answer to the riddle is “now”. What is now? Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now, centers on living in the present. In counseling, we teach the importance bringing the story or situation into the “here and now.” We live in the present – the now. Maybe it isn’t a question of what, rather it is a question of when? I found a quote by blogger/author, Jarod Kintz, “I put the ‘now’ in knowledge. Well I will, probably tomorrow or tomorrow’s tomorrow.” This is good. Knowledge is about the NOW. The realization of the learning’ happens after the fact. It is likely that we don’t realize it until NOW becomes THEN. At times, we even procrastinate our learning, or the realization of our learning until tomorrow or beyond.

There is a concept of flow (theory of optimal experience) developed by Dr. Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi. This flow is about the human experience of joy, creativity, or the process of total involvement in life. It is described in his book (Flow); I relate this flow to being in the NOW. In this state, we are so involved that nothing else seems to matter. We lose track of time. The exhilaration of NOW, consumes us. All of this is related to another favorite word, Phenomenology. Just saying it is fun, right?

(Side note: When you say it fast it seems like you should have a chorus of Muppets singing backup – da do dah dude a loo, da dude da dude da due due DO! Maybe it’s just me.)

Phenomenology is the study of experience or consciousness. Isn’t this really what we mean by this precious concept of Now? No matter if now is this second or this week. This is a passion for living and being alive NOW.

When now becomes then doesn’t it seem to create wisdom? Either from a “wow, that was a lesson I won’t forget!” to “Whoa, let’s do that again!” We have the ability to win what we set our mind to, in the moment we decide to do it. Next…

To thine OWN self be true

Finally, what is own? We own things. Some of these things are material and some are innate abilities and talents. What we really own, is really our own. Whoa…deep LOL. When we die, our legacy is what we own. It carries our short time here into infinity.

It relates to the self, the individual and how we take control of our own lives. Shakespeare writes, “To thine own self be true.” In the play, a father is pleading with his son to live his dream with a sense of values. We each own our strengths, our gifts, and our approach to the world. From Emergenetics we understand that we approach the world through thinking and behavioral preferences (nature and nurture) that are truly our own. We bring our initial set, from chaos theory, into every situation. This initial set is who we are (experience and baggage) when we show up. Our ability to contribute and to live our own passions is all of our own doing and being. It is also important that we own up to who we are and how we present ourselves. This is credibility and consistency.

Won, Now, Own

Notice anything? The same three simple letters make up every word, an anagram. Now, this isn’t quantum physics, magic, nor is it even coincidence. But I do submit this – Everything we do was first a thought and then an action. We have the ability to dream and create what we win. We own the ability to create our sense of now that influences where, or how, we will go. Cause and effect are in motion. In leadership and working with people, owning a vision that is communicated now creates an attitude for accomplishment. So after the fact we can say we won (I had to work it to get the right tense in there).

There once were three words that came from one.
The three letter shuffle it’s all anagram fun.
Context and meaning discern,
Connect one to another we learn.
Related we see are now, own, and won.

 

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May 29, 2014 · 4:28 pm
May 20, 2014 · 4:28 pm

rejection < RESILIENCE — The REal opportunity to REvise & REcreate

When is a balloon really a balloon? You buy a package of balloons and you have a little bag of lifeless colorful containers. What you really have is a bag of potential. These plastic, rubber, or Mylar envelopes are just waiting to become something; they’re balloons in waiting.

That balloon will get big and round or perhaps it is a longer tubular shape. You cannot really tell until you put some air in them, quite a bit of air actually. The air on the inside keeps stretching the colorful skins into big beautiful balloons. If it pops it makes a loud sound and explosion. So we can tell there is a lot of air (or helium) inside exerting quite a bit of pressure.

A balloon isn’t really a balloon, until it is tested. Those balloons you get with your singing telegram or for your birthday are probably expendable. Move to a reusable balloon now. Have you ever gone ballooning, taken a ride in a hot air balloon, or been to the balloon races (Head to Reno in early September)? The balloon is constantly tested, and retested over an over again.

REtested
The concept of RE is an important idea to chat about for a minute. But, I want to start at the opposite end of RE first.

In life and leadership, we need to understand and think about RESILIENCE. Resilience is generally a topic we go to after some sort of Rejection, Refusal, Rebuff, Refutation, Revoke, or repeal. Not so much fun eh? Just reading these words can probably cut deep and we can instantly think of a time (probably more like a whole bunch of times) that this happened to us.

REvising, RElearning, REbuilding, REfocusing, REflecting, REset, REplay

We need to REFRAME any rejection that happens to us. When do we learn? I didn’t ask how do we learn (that was the last blog post). WHEN do we learn? When does learning happen? There is no NEW learning; there is RElearning (there is that RE- word again).

We learn when we make mistakes. We learn when we fall down. Yeah, yeah we learn at other times too. BUT when do we remember the lesson? I am guessing that after a little sting, the learning is more of apparent, or it has a little more import. This is why video games have a REset button. This is why we have instant REplay. It is why we have REwind on the TiVo and DVR. It’s the do over of life.

REsilience, REjoice, REcreate, REbuild, REmodel, REstore, REmake

Just like that balloon we are resilient. We can bounce back and we can rebuild and rejoice while we are taking what we learned from that situation or experience. I am not the first one to say this (I think I first read it in Steven Covey’s 7 Habits book over twenty years ago). Failure isn’t fatal & People don’t fail they quit. I sold life insurance for a number of years. The chance for “rejection” occurred a few times in that sales/service process.

I have studied leadership and identity for a number of years now. Resilience is part of this building of our leadership ability and capacity. I found a book entitled, Rejection (1982) by John White. In the book he tells stories and reports on people who were rejected a time (or lots of times). He has the typical stories about Henry Ford, Thomas Edison, and others that have been told and REtold repeatedly. I love his THREE THINGS ABOUT REJECTION –
1. Rejection is not the same as failure.
2. It is 2-way – while we are facing rejection, we are also doing some rejecting.
3. Rejection is necessary. Lack of it would be disastrous.

Read #3 again – REJECTION IS NECESSARY. What?! Why is that? How could that be? When we are rejected, we REvise and REsubmit. Rejection re-energizes us to win and to create victory. It helps us to see things in a different light. Think about that guy or girl you may have been rejected by…chances are 50/50 that rejection can be seen as, “whoa, I dodged a bullet on that one.” Without REverse on the gearshift, we would still be sitting in the same parking space.

There is a great song that says it best – Tubthumping by Chumbawumba – I actually thought the song was called, I get knocked down.

I get knocked down
But I get up again
You’re never going to keep me down

In another verse, it goes on….
He sings the songs that remind him Of the good times
He sings the songs that remind him Of the better times

Don’t cry for me
Next door neighbor

I get knocked down
But I get up again

You’re never going to keep me down
We’ll be singing When we’re winning We’ll be singing

When was your last bout of REsilience?

Notice the question…it wasn’t directed at the rejection (where I would submit a lot of us tend to focus the energy). When was the last time you got knocked down? When was the last time you got up again?

How big can you inflate the balloon that encompasses your capacity? When were you last stretched and tested? You might get knocked down…but ya gotta get up again, and again, and again. We have to get up one more time than we feel knocked down.

2 quotes – The first I have heard over and over. The second, I think I am going to have this one tattooed… or maybe just printed and framed next to my front door.

“That which doesn’t kill me will make me stronger.” -Nietzsche

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -Joseph Campbell

Tubthumping — do you need to be reminded of it?

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May 15, 2014 · 4:13 pm

Learning through experience – It follows a cycle

Have you ever bought anything or, maybe a better question is, have you ever tried to build anything you bought from IKEA? You see the object of your desire in the store on football field level 3. You grab the box or two from bin 12L. Open it and find a cartoon series, a baggie full of different shaped screws, plastic gizmos, and some brackety things. What does IKEA mean anyhow? Maybe it is an acronym for I Kan Everything Assemble (loosely translated, it’s Swedish remember). 

How do you attack this project? (A). Lay it all out and count the screws and such. (B). Read the cartoon thoroughly. (C). Recruit someone to help you or walk you through it. (D). Just start slapping things together based on the picture or the floor model? In some cases, you probably got it right on the second or third attempt, or the repurchase. Oddly enough, this little vignette could explain how we think (and/or behave) from the Emergenetics blog. It also gives us some idea about learning and our learning styles.

How do we learn stuff? What is learning all about? Another topic I get a little excited (ok, just plain excited) about is Experiential Learning. When I am designing a course, a class, or a workshop I go to the work of David Kolb. He was trying to figure out how to help his students learn and he developed this learning cycle that explains our learning styles. It is really cool stuff.  It is based on 2 axes. Vertical is a continuum between Concrete Experience (top) and Abstract Conceptualization (bottom). The horizontal is Reflective Observation (right) and Active Experimentation (left). I put an image in here to help the visual learners.    

Image

 

Batter up!

Think about a baseball diamond, four bases right? Hey, hey… coincidently there’s four points in our cycle. Kolb says we touch all of the bases (points) in the experience of learning. Learning is really an experiential activity. We run around the diamond. One little catch (pun wasn’t intended but it really works here) is the learning cycle starts at 2nd base runs to 1st then home then 3rd. Easy right? See how flexible and abstract you are here? You visualized a ball diamond (concrete). The alternate running path takes a little observation of a different perspective (reflection). You analyze this to intellectually conjure it up (abstract). You could run around to make it work, or just physically draw it out (experimentation).

POOF. Experiential learning. You experience something, you reflect on your observation, you connect concepts in the abstract, and then you do it. Time out; go back to the IKEA example. You doubt this works, it can’t be that easy, thinking is complex and brainy. Cool fact #2, a biologist, James Zull (he’s a biologist), wrote a book and connected brainy stuff and function to Kolb.  

There are different styles of learning

Different people have different entry points into our four bases. There are four learning styles (actually Kolb as increased these to nine…but that throws my baseball game into too many innings, stick with me here). The four are:

DIVERGING – combo of experiencing and reflecting, diverging from conventional solutions.

ASSIMILATING – combo of reflection and abstract, you probably focus less on people and more on abstract and theories.

CONVERGING – combo of abstract and doing. You are a gatherer of information and like to solve problems.

ACCOMODATING – combo of doing and the concrete. You have an ability to adapt the information or changing circumstances into action. You probably like to work with others to make this happen too. 

News Flash:  There isn’t a whole lot of NEW learnin’ goin on out there

WHAT?!  “No way,” you say. Well let’s think about this. Learning is really your interpretation of what you are “newly” learning with something you already know/knew?  We’re really just revising our learning, broadening our understanding based on the new context we now have. Maybe we just have new vocabulary words for it now.

No, for reals. There are people who have studied learning and talk about all of this and they say the same thing. They even have a few $5 words for all this learning, revising, and expanding too. Check out some of those academic journals to check me here.

Leadership?

This all connects back to our ability and to leadership. Our ability to learn is based on this brain stuff. Learning is about change. When we learn we change. This change connects those neurons and creates additional neural pathways when we need to search that big hard drive between our ears. Our raw ability is about our natural ways of taking in information. We also know that we can teach and train people to be leaders. The experience of being a leader is experiential. We learn more about being a leader while working, serving, and practicing leadership. This supports the notion that the decisions made by the learner are based on the lived events as well as future choices. The primary purpose of all this is to provide information about one’s preferred approach to learning.

Leadership is about working WITH others. When we understand all this stuff about learning and there is more than one way to learn and get something done. When we understand that there is more than one way to touch all of the bases, we can see that a diversity of learning styles might add to our group or team. It is similar to the WE Teams from Emergenetics.

What is your learning style? Who thinks/learns differently than you do? Interesting fact #3, how we learn is typically how we teach. If we have a style, a natural extension of that would be, “of course this is how we (i.e., everybody) learn.” Not so much. So, relax when you aren’t getting it, or your student isn’t getting it. Maybe you change up (ok that pun was intended) how you are helping them learn…. use a different approach to meet their strengths. Now that’s leadership ability.

Maybe an Einstein quote would fit here – “Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” 

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May 9, 2014 · 3:55 am

Brains: A users manual

I just realized that I have been writing this blog for a few months and I have not yet written much about brains, learning, thinking, and behaving. WHOA! If you know me, or you have been in a class with me you know I talk about this stuff all of the time. I need to say something about the 3-pound (or so) cranial powerhouse we are all packing around up there. Oh sure, the things I have been writing about could be associated with brain power, mind, and how we make up our mind, set our intention and realize our ability. But today I thought a little about how brain based thinking, behaving and learning sounded like fun. Oh…that was one semi-geeky comment.

I associated with the work of Doctors Geil Browning and Wendell Williams about ten years ago; the profile and company is Emergenetics International. I love their tag line: Moving Thinking Forward. I liked it so much that I became a certified associate and have presented it to classes and groups and I’ve included the work in my presentations, research and writing. So, a little intro is appropriate here.

What’s this word – Emergenetics – you ask?

The word itself (Emergenetics) comprises the words emerge (i.e., life experience or nurture) and genetics (i.e., nature) to help explain how each person uses preferences based on thinking and behavioral preferences. An Emergenetics© profile provides a tool that will help you understand thinking and behavioral preferences based on the latest brain research.

So it really fits in with my theme of raw ability and the talents and strengths we each bring to an activity, a situation, a team, a group, a leadership responsibility, a….well…really everything. It is part of the total package we walk in with EVERYTIME we show up.

The metaphor we use in Emergenetics divides up the brain into four quadrants of the thinking attributes with an outline of our behavioral preferences. The behaviors are metaphorically encircling the thinking because one would notice our presenting styles through behaviors first, and then the thinking would follow as we engage in dialogue/interaction. The four thinking attributes (Analytical, Structural, Social, and Conceptual) and the three behavioral attributes (Expressiveness, Assertiveness, and Flexibility) combine patterns that can explain our diversity. Each of us has a beautiful brain regardless of the profile or picture of your brain. The beauty lies within the combination of how our strengths emerge from our genetics. More information can be found it the book Emergenetics: New Science of Success (2006). AND, just keep reading this blog….you can bet I will write more about this stuff.

Our approach to the world is the cumulative effect of our past, in the context of the present, as we prepare for the future. The leader’s identity process could become engaged before the person even realizes it is happening, “your brain changes with each movement, thought, experience or conversation you have” (Browning, 2006, p. 17). Our brain is engaged in the identity process and creating the leader within. Warren Bennis has written about this idea by stating that leaders are the products of their entire lives. He suggests that a leader is someone who takes in all his or her experiences and creates (and continually recreates) a new self.

ME + WE =

Wait, there’s more! Since we’ve established a team has multiple ME (you can’t really make me plural, hmmm imagine that). So there is a mixture of individuals, each with their own brain, which creates synergy and energy. This ME + WE = Energy, Synergy, and Esprit. I just found out that Esprit is defined as lively intelligence…I like it. In Emergenetics language we call this combination of people (i.e., brains) a WE Team. WE of course is the combo of members and it also means Whole Emergenetics Team. It is also possible to coordinate groups or teams (from a larger group) into a whole team that combines thinking and behavioral preferences so we have a balance of each of the seven preferences represented “at the table”.

It’s electric!

Our brain functions through the connections and synapses of a couple 100 billion neurons lighting up some scientific machinery. I read one place we have 100 billion neurons and then another source said that was a myth, we only have 86 billion. What’s a few billion neurons among friends? The point is…there is a whole lot of electricity moving around within us and between us. This alacrity (within each) building on the energy and esprit (lively intelligence) of ability is how we can create great things together.

How do you think about things? Are you more of a “let me think about it and get back to you” person or a “let me ask around and see what others think” type of person? Are you the grand entrance type of person or more of the slip in and sit down sort? What roles do you play in a team? Chances are…the role you play in one group is probably pretty much your persona. Yeah?

To find out more about this Emergenetics Profile for you or your organization: 

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April 29, 2014 · 9:11 pm

Turn MAY into the month of CAN. Know you can. Kick the can. MAYke it a month of I CAN

Remember being a little kid and asking your parent’s something like, “Can I go to the store?” The retort was probably something like, “I don’t know CAN you?” The moral of that story was the all-too-familiar lesson in manners and asking the right question. So, you probably corrected it to be more appropriate for the request. “May I go to the store?” Lesson learned. Your request might have been more about asking permission? Lesson #304 (give or take) was about who is in charge and who grants permission.

But, maybe you really did mean CAN. This Can Concept is about ability. Can is about having the ability to accomplish something. This is our raw ability or our natural talents and skills. We all have a natural ability for something. We might not understand what it is, or maybe it takes us a while to discover our ability because we’re too busy asking if we MAY do something rather than exploring what we CAN do.

Let’s kick the CAN around a bit.  CAN = to able to, having an ability, power, skill, know how, have the means to, have permission

The Gallup organization has created a huge industry around what we CAN do. They call it Strengthsquest. If you haven’t checked out their work you might be interested in seeing what your top FIVE strengths are. Reading their material you will see that

Strength= Naturally occurring patters of thought, feeling, behaviors (Talent) + ability to perform (Skills) + Facts, lessons, Experience (Knowledge)

But knowing our strengths doesn’t do much for us if we are still stuck on this concept of MAY I over CAN I? What is the CAN I piece?

 

This psychologist, Dr. Albert Bandura, has studied and written about some pretty cool things. He talks about social learning theory and some thinking/cognitive theory stuff. But for now let’s explore SELF-EFFICACY.

 

I love the words SELF-EFFICACY. For one reason, it is just plain fun to say. Another reason, in my little mind, is just saying it makes you sound smart. Then if you can use it in a sentence…WHOA.

 

Efficacy. It’s a $5 word for effectiveness or the quality of being successful or producing what you meant to produce. Throw the word SELF in front of it and it seems a little redundant. But your lawn mower can be effective and do its job too, so maybe self really does help as a descriptor.

So SELF-efficacy can be interpreted to mean that I really CAN go to the store. I have the ABILITY to go to the store. I can do this whether you give me permission or not.

I am ABLE.  Done! Boom! Pow!

Self-efficacy is one’s perception about his/her own ability to perform at a certain level or the ability to influence events. This perception is so powerful that self-efficacy has been shown to be a solid predictor of accomplishments based on previous attainments or knowledge. It has been said that the best predictor or future performance is past performance. Imagine that we do it and therefore we realize we can do it…again. BUT, how do we understand that we can do it to begin with?

Here is the cool part – Dr. Bandura studied this and started a whole bunch of people studying it too. He found out that self-efficacy is based on about FOUR things.

Mastery Experience – The fact that you know yourself and what you can accomplish; this is your ability or abilities. Another cool part here is that if you have done something LIKE the anticipated event/activity you can say, “Since I did that…. I can do this!”

Vicarious Experience – We are all surrounded by others doing things. Sometimes we base our ability on a comparison with others. So we think, “Well if he/she can do it, then no sweat I can do It.” or “We have similar abilities, I got this.”

Social Persuasion – having our own set of cheerleaders, mentors, and friends helps to get the encouragement from others to make something happen.

Emotional Arousal – this might get a little tricky for some of us, if we are in an I CAN mood and/or happy, then emotionally we are probably ready to try. If our pity party is in full swing, then maybe not so much. We have to push through and know that we can try. We might have to try again, but TRY it. It is like that other parental game, “you just have to take one bite to see if you really do like it or not. Just try it.”

I think I can… I think I can…I think I can… Remember the book, The Little Engine That Could. Know that our self-efficacy is based on a recipe of about four things. Four things that are mostly in your control.

Take a bite. What will you try today? You have a whole month to practice giving yourself permission (May, 2014) to see that you Can. Stretch your self-efficacy to the LIMITS.

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April 24, 2014 · 5:14 am

Take a bow!

I love the curtain call of play, or really a theater show of any kind. That final culminating event sends a chill down my spine every time. No. It does more than that; I am moved to tears during the curtain call. I have to catch my breath. I cry and gasp a bit for air. It is an odd feeling. I can’t explain it. I don’t even have to know anyone in the show personally.

I can feel the energy and exhilaration from the cast. Their faces penetrate the atmosphere of the theatre. Their collective WE DID IT. WE DID IT AGAIN. I LOVE DOING THIS. Seems to fill the space and touch me deep within that social part of my brain that loves to see people doing what they love.

When someone is doing something out of love and passion, they exude self-confidence. Multiply that times the number of people in the cast and I think we have found the source. That hard work, choreography, synergy, and mutual support add a positive charge to the whole environment. I felt the same way when I was a camp director with my staff. I feel the same way every time I see my students do a presentation or accomplish something good. I love to see the mutual benefits of working together. I get a deep sense of personal pride from the fact that I helped a little in their pride and sense of accomplishment. These have become dynamic positions for me (and markers for my own life) because I get to train, support, and counsel people through a significant growth periods in their lives. I like that connection.

I just read the acknowledgement section of my most recent doctoral student. I cried. She said nice things about me as chair. That was nice to read. BUT it is so much more than that. She acknowledged her community of support and those people who believed in her. I cry every time I re-read the acknowledgements and thanks in my dissertation. All of this hits home for me and reminds me that even in those times we are alone we have “people” that provide support in some way.

I like to think that I approach my job and life’s challenges with an attitude of opportunity and experimentation. Nothing ventured is nothing gained. Learning to be less of a linear thinker and discover how to incorporate a mistake sometimes adds to a project. Being more flexible and open to new possibilities is one of my biggest life lessons. When we work with people, we should realize that from time to time control is almost impossible. All we can control for sure is how we react. If we decide to see what is possible and how we can contribute, it is almost impossible give up. My favorite word is Alacrity. It means: cheerful readiness. Let’s use it in a sentence: We jumped into the project with alacrity. We might add to the group process if we jumped into a project with alacrity an open mind and flexibility.  And, who controls this approach – each one of us.

Permission, now there is a word. Who gives it and when do “they” give it? Who are they? Let’s turn THEY into ME. I can give myself permission. The initial sense of permission has to come from within. We each give ourselves permission to be, do, act, or react to everything. Some days we are comfortable with our own sense of permission, and some days we are not.

If you have been reading some of my posts, you know I like to play with words. Here we go again. Mission. What is your mission? What is it you want to be when you grow up? What is your legacy, your personal mission statement? What do you want people to say about you in the end…or after the end when we aren’t here to hear. Now for the word – Per – it means: for each, for every, by means of, through, by, according to, OR accordance with.

PER – MISSION

What moves you through (i.e., per) life to create your sense of accomplishment? What moves you to tears when you are so damn proud of yourself for doing, being, creating? How do you approach your mission with alacrity?  How do you add to the play/production/project with alacrity? Give yourself permission to live PER your MISSION. Be what you want to be. Go forth and show the world how you approach your mission with alacrity.

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April 15, 2014 · 4:02 am

Baggage or Luggage

You take the good, you take the bad,

you take them both and there you have

The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life.

 

There’s a time you got to go and show

You’re growin’ now you know about

The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life.

 

When the world never seems

to be livin up to your dreams

And suddenly you’re finding out

the Facts of Life are all about you, you.

 

It takes a lot to get ’em right

When you’re learning the Facts of Life.

 

What if Tootie, Natalie, Blair and Joe were right? Well, I would guess that Mrs. Garrett had a little something to do with all that learnin’. Sorry for getting that “Facts of Life” theme song into your head for the rest of today, over and over and over again. But, that song came to mind when I was thinking about how we look at things.

The only thing that we can truly control is how we react to something. Regardless of right or wrong, we can choose to focus on HOW we respond to something  versus WHAT happened. Where do we put our energy? Let’s go back to the theme-song-of-the-day for some insight. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the secret to life. In some cases, the good for one could be interpreted as the bad for another. I was recently chatting with a friend about her daughter being added to the transplant list. This transplant is a heart transplant. The hope for another chance, for an additional chance, for a longer chance at a full life for the recipient comes as a loss for the donor (and their family). Her comment was, “one person’s (family’s) joy is another person’s (family’s) sorrow.” Sure, there would be some happiness and joy that would come from the donor family’s sense of giving and seeing their loved one giving a tremendous gift; but, it comes with impact.

How we look at “Event A” determines our emotion, outlook and perspective. At times that pertains to the situation at hand, and in some cases; it may truly be our pattern or current theme in life. On nights when I just can’t get to sleep or I don’t sleep well I tend to think, “Well on the bright side I will sleep well tomorrow night.” One of the reasons I can’t sleep is because I am so irritated that I can’t get to sleep that all of my energy is wrapped up in the fact that I will be tired the next day. In many cases, I have to watch TV to distract my brain from what it is that I am so worked up about to allow myself to fall asleep. Most of the time I fall asleep to M*A*S*H, I have seen the shows countless times so I can name that episode in 3-seconds after the theme song ends.

I read somewhere –what we resist persists. Letting go is probably the answer in many things that happen to us on a daily basis. Hey, I think they call that forgiveness. When we forgive something then we release the other from the negative energy, AND (more importantly) we move it out of all that space in our brain/consciousness that it is consuming. Our hard drive space is unlimited, but the gears that run the whole thing can just get tired.

We can focus on the WHAT happened (or is happening to us) or we can just focus on WHAT WE CAN LEARN from this. It is our perspective – or outlook, or angle, or point of view, or prospect. Our lives consist of the cumulative effect of who we are and what we have become in life. We take the good we take the bad. An example I like to use is baggage and luggage. We ALL have both. We pack this stuff around with us EVERYWHERE we go. Our baggage is all that stuff we are afraid of. It is the stuff we don’t particularly like others to know about us. It could be our skeletons in closet, our dark side, etc. Hiding that gets laborious. Our luggage is all the stuff WE WANT people to see/know. These are the war stories we tell over and over (to the same people in some cases). These are the successes, our wins, and our championships that we are proud. BUT, our baggage is never far away. Baggage and luggage, we have both. Most of the time it looks damn good, it is a matched set. What is your baggage you could release? What could you forgive? Is there something you could forgive yourself? It takes a lot to get ’em right, When you’re learning the Facts of Life.

Theme song source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/ (seasons 2-5)

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April 5, 2014 · 9:30 pm

We never really get away from multiple-choice tests in life

What do you see?

What do you see?

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

How often to we approach our little part of the world as a series of “I-just-gotta-get-through-this and then I can -” Have you caught yourself promising yourself, the gods, the universe that as soon as I get through this project I will be all caught up and I can focus on life in general.

Hmmmmm maybe resolutions are not just for breakfast anymore, or New Years Day for that matter. It seems as if every few weeks some of us set our To Do list aside and adopt a “Resolution of the Month (or week or day) club.”

Maybe I am the sole serial resolutioner in the world. Anyone? Anyone?

How do you see the world around you? When you look around and see the things that are going on around you where does your focus and energy go?

  1. With my luck, what else could go wrong?
  2. That was a great learning experience, NEXT
  3. When will the other shoe drop?
  4. Wow look what I did. Tah-Dah!
  5. When will they realize they hired the wrong person?
  6. I got this!
  7. Other _________________________
  8. More _________________________

So, did you choose something from the odd numbered grouping or the even numbers? How do you see your life and your ability in the world? Is it from a position of LACKING something (odd numbers) or from an ABUNDANT paradigm (even numbers)? There are times that we can realize that we made a wrong decision or that a current idea might not have been our most brilliant approach to the world, that happens from time to time. Our value isn’t wrapped up in the fact that we made a wrong decision. Perhaps we should revel in the fact that we made a decision and had some movement rather than fretting and worrying about the outcome and missing out on an opportunity or just motion of any sort.

Atrophy stinks. If you have ever had a broken bone or sprained something and you have had to have a limb in a cast think of what it looks like (and maybe even the stale odor that wafts out) when you remove the cast. So, move something. Move anything. Move everything. If you make a wrong move, FIX IT. Duh! I read in Covey’s book on seven habits many years ago – People don’t FAIL, they QUIT. Apathy is quitting.

We have an opportunity to look at everything from many (or maybe 2) different vantage points. Take the bar code (image) in the beginning of this post. They don’t call them Universal Product Codes (UPC) for nothing. These ubiquitous patterns are everywhere, everyday. When you first look at it what do you see? Do you see a series of black stripes of various sizes with some numbers in a variety of patterns along the bottom? Yeah. Sure. That is what it could be. OR perhaps you see a series of white stripes of various patterns peaking out at you over those numbers at the bottom. Whether your description was the black stripes or the white stripes isn’t the real point at all. Both are correct. Actually maybe the answer is (c.) All of the Above.

The point of the UPC conversation is that there are more ways to the answers than we sometimes think about. Particularly when we are in the midst of moving from one series of resolutions and/or projects to the next, life is more than preparing for one 100-yard dash to the next.

I have had the blessings of several mentors in my life. One of those cherished individuals along my journey was my adviser and marketing professor. He taught me two important things that I have used almost daily since my undergraduate days. Maxim #1 – The product is what the consumer thinks it is, nothing more. Two key words stick out here that some will read and say – oh, I don’t sell anything so this does not apply to me. Those words are: product and consumer. I SUBMIT, to all who might think this way, which is faulty thinking. We have to stop and think for a minute what is the PRODUCT and who is/are CONSUMER? We all sell something. If you are looking for a job or a promotion…guess what YOU are the product and the consumer is the committee deciding your fate. Feel free to fill in your own products and consumer words along the way. Maxim #2 – Perception is everything. If, our audience (i.e., spouse, partner(s), students, boss, target audience, etc) has a skewed picture of what you are presenting or offering you are stuck with their misinformation and no deal is struck.

What is your perception of your own life and ability? Do you approach from a lacking perspective or are you more of an abundant person? When you work with others, do you help them see their own abundant being? What’s the perception of your products?

 

“Life is 10 percent what you make it and 90 percent how you take it.”  – Irving Berlin

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” – CC Jung

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March 20, 2014 · 3:15 pm

I is me and I can be for we

Two of my favorite poems (or sayings) are by Jewish religious leaders. I like them because they remind me of the fact that I need to be my own person, but my actions are so intertwined with who I am and what I do that it is hard to not have an impact on those around me.

The first is by Rabbi Mendel of Kotzk (1787-1859). I found various versions of this saying, but I am presenting it here as I learned it.

If I am I, and you are you; then I am I and you are you.

But if I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I, then I am not and you are not.

First, I like this because saying it and listening to it is a little like watching a tennis match. You have to keep your eye on the ball as it volleys back and forth from “I” to “you.” It is fun to listen to and a bit of a brain twister as you are trying to make sense of it. I like the pure simplicity of it as well. I know, bouncing “I” back and forth nine times with one hand and bouncing “you” to and fro with the other hand at first is not really the definition of simplicity. It’s the literary version of patting your head and rubbing your tummy.  But, there are only 11 different words used here in a 41-word stanza.

Think about what it means. “I am I” is that I am my own person with my own agenda doing my own thing. It is up to each of us to define and delineate who we are in the world. The word “I” is always capitalized in the English language (not necessarily in all other languages) as a reminder of our own self-importance to ourselves. Our own self-confidence and self-concept is important to the creation of our values, attitudes and beliefs. The “you are you” piece is the recognition of this I concept for all people. I gotta be me and you gotta be you. It is ok that we maintain our I-ness side by side, but in the end, we are responsible for ourselves. Doesn’t the Cher song say that in the end we all sleep alone?

So, having made the case that we are responsible to and for ourselves it would seem that we are being a little self-centered here. This is where my other favorite saying from these two Jewish leaders steps as a complement. I was visiting Edinburgh, Scotland one year. It was my first day and jet lag, and the fact that the sun was up at 4 in morning made me a little restless. I got up and ran. I ran by the Jewish Center and on the sign in front was this next saying. I stopped to memorize it and then ran back to the B&B and wrote it in my journal. It was a saying of Rabbi Hillel (110 BCE-7CE):

If I am not for myself, who is for me?

And if I am for myself alone, what then am ‘I’?

And if not now, then when?

I like this because, I think, he is saying that we need to stand up for ourselves and have a sense of our own identity and values. We have to make our way in the world and we have to tell people who we are, because, really who will do this for us? At the same time that we have to have the chutzpah to take a stand for ourselves we have to remember the world doesn’t revolve around us alone. If we don’t remember the others in our world, the world around us, and the collective then what are we really? Perhaps just a selfish (insert your own pejorative comment here) that is only out for ourselves.  Finally, when are we going to start this? I just saw a Facebook picture post that said, “There are 7 days in a week and someday isn’t one of them.”

So perhaps I will try my own literary volley

And now I see that I gotta be me to contribute to the we.

And you can toss in a few to do what you can do.

Then together we can say that I am I is not an alibi

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